Explaining that Crazy Nordic Family

Ever wondered the differences between the Nordic Countries? Me too. Let them explain it themselves…

Formula: Put a bunch of Nordic citizens together, give them beer, and start talking about geography and family. Then forget about political correctness…this is what you come up with in ten minutes.

Finland is a dancing woman maimed by the Russians. She’s missing her right arm and body part. Because of her physical condition, she might seem somber at first, but cheers up after a dance and drink or three. (Actually Finnish are renowned for getting really, really binge-drinkingly drunk. This is slowly changing).

Denmark is the proud cock of Europe, geographically sitting on top of Germany. With a Carlserg beer in his hand. He’s a true Viking and loves to sing. Burp.

Sweden is confused because IT doesn’t know if IT is a man or a woman. IT is the best country in the world for gender equality, after all. But if you look at the map……………………….some interpret it as leaning towards one sex more than the other.

Norway is the sneaky pregnant woman. (A baby is growing where Oslo lies). She seduced Denmark back in the ages by getting him drunk, and somehow tricked him into signing away a big part of his rich land, back in the days when he had lots to be proud of. Burp. That was the part where all the oil was. Now all Norwegian babies have oil trust funds. And the Danes? They have innovation instead.

Greenland is the country everyone looks up to and wonders if anyone lives there. This is partly because it is so remote, partly because it’s so white on the map, and also partly because when people write emails or letters, they sometimes don’t receive a reply. Santa Claus has a home in Greenland, Finland and a few other places in the world, but now everyone thinks that Santa Claus lives in Finland (because can you believe it, those Lappish people are PRETENDING to be the jolly bearded one when they reply letters!?). Just remember there’s 56,000 proud people living on the world’s biggest island – and elves judging whether you’re naughty or nice. P.S. in both of Santa’s strongholds, they eat reindeer.

Iceland is so hot right now. S/he had the same approach as Greenland in the email answering department, until s/he found out that responding to emails could mean generating business. Iceland’s been hot shit since the volcano erupted and everyone discovered their woolly sweaters and hotsprings. Burningly cool.

Faroe Islands is the little sister who wants to play a larger role in the world. She has a love-hate relationship with her big brother Denmark (kind of like Greenland), wants to be the gateway for new shipping and flight routes (kind of like Iceland), and has prepared its domestic industry ready for oil find – though she hasn’t found it yet. She hopes she gets a bit of Norway’s luck.

So for those of you who thought the Nordic countries were all the same, think again! They are one big happy(?) family!

Postscript: This conversation happened sometime last year in Rovaniemi, in Finnish Lapland. There are many places to visit in the world, but when there’s a bunch of people with such great ability to laugh at themselves like this, how can you not want to go there? Note that some of these facts are false – all of these are generalisations with a pepper of truth – and don’t shoot the messenger!



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